You never wear your seat belt when youre driving. And as the garda is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, WHY DONT YOU PLEASE SHUT UP? Rick-O-Shea. Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look. So Paddy leaves the site. Thats right, said the lawyer. But why are you asking? He thought and thought of a way to get a few more Euros. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. New category: The Delightful List of Jokes. "What's the matter?" Seamus asks as he walks in. No wonder you got it at half price, Mick laughed. , Very well, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Marys. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'. The pedestrians crossed ages ago whens it time for the Catholics?!'. If you doget offended by any of these, you need to get your noggin checked. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the presidents office. Danny knows Mick to be a normally conservative guy, and is curious about his sudden . He wakes the Irishman up and asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep. Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting. It was offensive." The Jew pauses and replies "I guess you had to be there." . Holocaust Joke. The Catholic said mine is powerful, the Buddhist said, no, mine is powerful. "Paddy jokes" are St. Patrick's Day favorites. Paddy says, yeah, its these bloody instructions. In Memory Of My Motherland Seamus was tending bar when a patron came in and ordered a beer and a shot. But could you put it in a cup? Oh yes, it is, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, Tree + Tree + Tree make nine! David Hughes. The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife. Have you ever actually had a drink yourself?, Well of course I havent, what a ridiculous question., Then you dont know what youre talking about., I dont need to taste the demon drink to know that its evil!, Look, how about this - I will buy you a drink. Oh yeah, I bet I know now why you want the biggest one, he winked. The bug-eyed altar boy couldnt believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, No, Father, I think its just a Reflection from her shoes! Pat(who had never seen an elevator before) responded. Kids will laugh out loud when they hear these jokes about sickness! The O'Briens were married for 5 yrs. Yup a McGinny ", followed by 104 people on Pinterest. Two Irishmen were sitting in a four-engined plane flying back from ashopping trip to Paris when thecaptains voice came over the loudspeaker. A farmer!. Doughnuts. When the barman arrived back with the pint, all of the shots of whiskey had been drunk. Sick Irish jokes Item Preview remove-circle Share or Embed This Item. View more comments. ; Performance management Build highperforming teams with performance reviews, feedback, goaltracking & 1on1s delivered in the flow of work. Pat and his son were totally amazed by nearly everything they saw. If you have a question that we havent tackled, ask away in the comments section below. Three guys - one Irish, one English, and one Scottish - are out walking along the beach together one day. The lawyer jumps in, and yells, "Get in! He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. The Garda turns to the second fella and asks the same question. Oh. Was I definitely meant to shove them up my arse?'. Two Irish men are looking through a catalogue. It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it., Paddy was envious. Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look. As he does so, two tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground. Tell me, do you have insurance?. A light bulb goes off 5. Author Topic: Sick Irish Jokes (Read 11026 times) 0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic. The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!" Quarrel. Yes, Patrick, sure is true, responded the lawyer. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town. Sheamus drops into the local pub on the way back home from visiting the doctor. Beginning to get a bit irritated, the tourist asks, Habla Espanol? The men once again shake their heads. and got so high that we forgot to wear a condom. Irish puns are so O'ffensive! Some of the greatest wits were Irish: Jonathan Swift, Oscar Wilde, Brendan Behan, George Bernard Shaw. Confused, the Forman asked, dont you mean the Sahara Desert?, A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, Get me a Guinness before it starts. The wife sighs and gets him a Guinness. But as a daughter gets older, she will stay near the family, draining it of . I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was! He climbed out 4 times to take a piss.. Two weeks later, the doctor walks down the street and sees the patients wife.. The list goes on. The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes. Youve got me, she giggled, Do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?, No thanks, said Paddy, Ive got better things to do with my time than be standing around watching a woman make sandwiches., I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month .., The priest told the sinner, You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Marys Sunday: a day of rest 7. No wonder you got it at half price, Mick laughed. An hour or so later, the Englishman is plastered. After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says, "You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. It's either you're not in touch with reality or you just don't care! Cant just take your word for it. The empty glass 8. The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out. The man replies, "I'm a hooker.". Looking to be cheered up? And rightfully so. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. Irish Fishing Trip. Youre joking says the patient. ? The garda looks over at the woman and asks, Does your husband always talk to you this way, Maam? Smiling sweetly, she replies. Paddy feared his wife Mary wasnt hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid. How come you can you never borrow a few quid from a leprechaun? God. Shite replied the barman What do you have? A tenner replied Ben.. I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. Oh, he died of a heart attack, says Mrs Murphy. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Best funeral jokes ever - Unijokes.com - 41 Funeral jokes animal asian black people blonde chemistry Chuck Norris dad dead baby desert island dirty fat gay IT jewish kids knock-knock lesbian little Johnny marriage math mexican nerd poems racist redneck sex stupid white people women Yo mama The best funeral jokes A little trip-up 6. To get started with the Irish jig, follow these steps: 1) Serve people a lot of alcohol and. The next night, Mick went round to Paddys to buy him a drink. Later that day when Paddy gets home from the pub he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the hallway, He thinks to himself Im about 40 feet away lets see what happens. An American Priest and a British Man Walk into a Bar. A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O'Grady after mass. I say, tis a remarkable dong you have there, Paddy was prompted to remark. With his list, he reached for the most enormous cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it. Furious and confused, he went to see his grandmother and said, Gran tis my 18th birthday. Mother, the nuns asked with earnest, Please give us some wisdom before you leave us. what I think is gas, you might think is crap. So when Seans 18th birthday arrived, he and his friend Mick took a boat, rowed out to the middle of the lake, and Sean stepped out of the boat. "Your brother was here and he's already named them. BOOOOOOs. The Irishman replies, Have some respect. Pat had never been to Dublin and always lived in the countryside. Do yus think I shud? Yeah, replies the expert. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes. A passerby saw what they were doing and was amazed at the hard work, but couldnt understand what they were at. Yep. And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldnt read? P.S Dont forget to like our Facebook page on Irish jokes, Categories Ireland, Irish Humor, Irish Jokes, Irish Memes, Irish Pictures, Irish Poem: To A Child Dancing In The Wind, By W. B. Yeats, Incantata, By Paul Muldoon An Irish Poem About A Friend And Their Strength. I'd wear green for St. Patrick's Day, but I find it makes pale, blonde me look like Phlegm. and would light a candle that they would have little ones. Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park in 2 hours time, Signed, Paddy from Cork. He pinned the note inside the little dogs collar and told the dog to go straight home. The new man is hired at a building site. Well, says the doctor, Ive been trying to get hold of you for the past 2 days.. So why cant I walk across the water, like my father, me grandfather, and his father before him? Grandma looked deep into Seans troubled eyes, looked at him with kind, benevolent eyes and said, Because they were all born in January, and the lake was frozen over; you were born in August, ye fecking eejit! After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I have no clue what it is! New man: Nope! Paddy replies: "I haven't been feeling meself recently." "Good!" says Seamus. Once more, they lined up at the stainless steel and when Mick took a. peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. Theres a second door that goes into the closet. Although youll find heaps of funny Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes that have been added by readers in the comments section. I havent been feeling myself lately, Sheamus replied. Oh my God she replied. ', Right, what do you call a bulletproof Irishman? After thinking for a long while, the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer. No, the man replied. I just drive everywhere. She yells at him, Is that all youre going to do tonight? It's important to have a good vocabulary. Potto. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind . Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his . I say, tis a remarkable dong you have there, Paddy was prompted to remark. . They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. asks the attendant. Paddy says, Sure, everyone is probably watching the band.. I may be up in years, but I still have my wits about me. It was 8 oclock and the neighbours dog was going mental. Lash it into the comments section at the end of this article! Theres one less pisshead (an Irish insult) at the wake!. She just looked at the president and said, Would you like to take my bet? Certainly, replied the president. If you get any error, email us at contact@sickipedia.net. ", "Ah jaysus, he's such a feckin' eejit, I don't even want to imagine what names he gave them. Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked. saw a man hanging over a bridge with another mans legs in his grasp. Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. I have also just published 5 fresh new Irish jokes here. None He fell. What do you call a pig that does karate? He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note. How do I leave?, The desk clerk says, Sir, thats absurd. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. The walls magically closed, and the boy and his father watched in amazement as the small numbers above the wall lit up sequentially. FOR F*** SAKE PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN!!! She nodded, and they got up to dance. Why do men find it so difficult to solve puzzles after taking Viagra? Everything is riding on this question. Paddy says to Mick, "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both.". I am not, the neighbour replied, Theyre both for me., An English lawyer was sat with his Irish client. One lad would dig a hole and the other lad would follow him and fill the hole in. Our next hilarious Irish dirty joke is about an Irish couple. They didnt do it last year.. It wasnt. God agrees and the man tells the joke. 19 Jokes About Getting Sick That'll Make You Laugh Then Cry "being sick is like taking a day off but in a dead persons body" by Anthony Rivas BuzzFeed News Reporter 1. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Kerry. One turns to the other and says, It was a beautiful ceremony, wasnt it?!. But this is a newsagents'. After thinking for a considerably longer time, the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil, drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three, and handed the paper back to the interviewer. Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night. Your first sentence is correct; however, your reason for the joke being funny is off. That's 150 miles from here." His wife asks who it was, and Paddy responds, "It was some eejit asking if the coast was clear." 2. He hears a priest come in. New man: Im a gambler. Paddy Irishman checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. 5. The Irish pride themselves on their humor. Following is our collection of funny Sick Irish jokes. Score: 32. About Press Copyright Contact us Creators Advertise Developers Terms Privacy Policy & Safety How YouTube works Test new features NFL Sunday Ticket Press Copyright . From down stairs Paddy could be heard "WHAT'S THE USE OF FOOKIN ONE?". Surely you must lose every now and then? If youre looking for some funny Irish jokes, the ones below should give you a giggle! An answered prayer 4. Paddy walked into a doctors office with two burnt ears. It was, replied the friend. The president was surprised and asked, What kind of bets? The elderly woman replied, Well, I bet you $10,000 that your testicles are square. The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. This funny collection of friendly and good jokes, riddles and puns about sickness are clean and safe for children of all ages. He walks in, approaches the bar and says, Hola bartender, I would like to have the finest beer in the world. Sick Irish Jokes by Patrick Morrison | Goodreads Jump to ratings and reviews Want to read Buy on Amazon Rate this book Sick Irish Jokes Patrick Morrison 0.00 0 ratings0 reviews 50 pages, Paperback Book details & editions About the author Patrick Morrison 7 books1 follower Ratings Reviews Friends Following Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. The tourist is so disgusted that he drives off. Itll take over your life! She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. I suppose that makes sense,, Well what does a woman normally drink?, OK then, Ill have a gin and tonic. Lets see how they like listening to the little b*stard! Patrick, do you realize that if the other. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total," says the genie. 81. Shared laughter gives us strength in adversity and can help us feel a bit more in control when the future looks uncertain. He disappeared without a tres. Irish Jokes (Short Jokes, Long Jokes, and Paddys) Paddy's Doughnuts. He moves closer about 20 feet. Hunchback!. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. They worked up along one street and then down the other. Wasnt always that way, replied Mick. Score: 20. "Alright ol' friend". Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!, Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk returns to the bars far end. we will now be two hours later than expected. Sure is, Patrick. Ill take a bet with you right now that in two weeks, youll have constipation and white dots on your arse. Poof! May 1, 2018 - Explore Jessica Canale's board "Half Italian half Irish. The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand. If I had known the difference between the words "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive. -24. nadnerb4ever 6 yr. ago. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. The priest turns to the man and asks, "What do you do for a living?". God says, "That wasn't funny. The Irish sense. What do you call a fella from Dundalk with 400 girlfriends? Who told you that? asked Marty.. Enjoy! Have any short Irish jokes for adults that you want to share? Finally, she made her choice and asked the shop assistant called Mick, How much is this gold tinsel?, Mick seeing the pretty girl, said, This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre., Wow, thats grand, said Mary. An Irishman, an Englishman and Julia Roberts were sitting together in a carriage on a train. How the heck does that work? Anto replied, Delighted? BOOOOOOs., A Cork man went for a job at the local stables. raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT!, right in the face and runs back to He says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir. The driver says, Are you sure? An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies. An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. Two hours, later Paddy returned to the park to find the 500 euros in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as he had instructed. Paddy says to Murphy, Im gonna get the day off. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the company with his axe and knocked on the Foremans door. What is my favourite thing about my grandpa? Where people seem to think all Irish people live. Haha. Kelly is back and sees Mrs. O'Brien with 3 little ones walkin' and twins in a pram. Donovan @ A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. The cop stopped after a few minutes and told those waiting to cross the road, Okay pedestrians, he said, Lets go. Pat, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, A 10-year-old girl asked her Irish mother. We hope you will find these sick irish puns funny enough to tell and . She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback. He finishes that one and a few minutes later says, Quick, get me another; its going to start any minute. The wife is furious. - Kiss Me And I'll Leprecut You - Irish You Wouldn't - Touch Me And Get Shamwrecked sloane (spihkopiyess) (@cottoncandaddy) March 16, 2018 I'm the Mystery Reader for my son's class today. If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a month-long quarantine, you probably should've seen a doctor long before COVID-19. Sure youd be arrested for less!'. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: The interviewer returned the paper to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99. Oh, all right. the Englishman says sullenly. "Will it help?" she asked. "Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. He immediately sank and nearly drowned. With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, Mick measured out the tinsel and gave it to Mary. From silly puns to pub jests, to funeral jokes, the Irish humor has something for everyone. It's important to have a good vocabulary. 3. #81 - 80. So the foreman takes the bet. 5. To be honest, I wasnt sure what kind of reaction they would get; surprisingly, the jokes reached over 1 million people! He asks the first fella for his name and address. The lawyer thinks that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easilySo the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note. He hears a priest come in. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and the numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened, and the lady got between them and got into a small room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and says. The famine started in 1845 and continued until 1852, which in historical terms, basically happened yesterday morning. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. Share to Reddit. Well when he left the average I.Q in Ireland dropped by 15% ! Everybody assumes you're a seasoned drinker, border-line alcoholic. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. Tequila Mockingbird. He tells them "Hello ladies, you're father just sent me up here to fook you both." Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together, and the first man asks, Do you think theyll serve any food on this cruise? The Irishman stood waiting, growing more and more frustrated. then shouts down the stairs "Paddy, the both of them?" Im gonna pretend Ive gone mad! He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, Im a lightbulb, Im a lightbulb! Murphy watches in amazement. Parlez-vous Francais, he asks. And some people aren't missing a chance to spice up the hard . The redhead wished to be back home. The drunken priest 2. After the pints are placed onto the bar, three bluebottles drop into each mans freshly poured pint. An Irishman is going into a pub in the countryside. The priest fearing the worst asks, "What does that mean?". They say "Nah your lying." Administrator; Rock Elite; Posts: 1531; Thanked: 139 times; Karma: 146; Twilight of Mischief; Sick Irish Jokes How did you do it! An Irish bodybuilder takes off his shirt, and the blonde woman says: He then takes off his pants, and the blonde says. An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare. But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed. [quads id=1] A girl came home from a date. O'Brien?" I said, what instructions, Paddy? In case he got a hole in. If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the Guinness and go to Mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. When they arrived, the nurse asked, How dilated is she, sir?. Paddy went to his local supermarket after a lunchtime session to do some shopping. Only when hes been drinking, Sir.. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. Mick, youve won 1 million euros!. Who's there? Turn back from the path of sin!, What?! It was two tired. A: To prevent the Irish from ruling the world! Also please remember these are just jokes! It's a pundemic. "Waiter, my coffee mug is damaged.". Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. How do they pee, then? asks the Englishman. Holy smokes! Said the Foreman. Haha. Here is your money .. One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend's. Please tell me it was quick? . Get your weekly dose of Irish straight to your inbox every Friday. My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. Here is your money .. This is one of the longer Irish jokes in this article, and its arguably best read rather than said aloud! The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a, Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again, Ill Chop his, You cant do that, says the Irishman. Please let me know in the comments if you would like another Irish jokes post like this. 2) Make sure that you have locked the bathroom door. some short cheesy one-liner Irish jokes? One of the best Irish jokes follows a flustered Irishman who wasn't able to find a parking space in a large mall's car park. Miss OLeary, he says, you havent made a single payment on your new windows. Paddy answers and replies, "How would I know? But no matter how hard it gets, there's always a cold weapon known as a sense of humor. Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again, Ill Chop his Wasnt always that way, replied Mick. What are you doing working here so late at night? Joseph called. Marty he sighed, Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?, Bollocks. There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, Cuckoo is the correct answer! I havent got a clue. said Mick, So Ill use the last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin We decided put together a list of the 15 best Irish jokes of all time. After a while the seed started to grow more and more. They then moved to the next street and did the same, working flat out all day without stopping. 7. Irish people are stereotyped to eat fuck loads of potatoes. Whats so special about him? asks Mary. In a normal tone, he asks Mary whats for dinner my lovely?. Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Inside the bag was the following note While Pat and his son were staring with amazement, a fat old lady came to the moving walls and pressed a button. He asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on Google. The doctor told him to try a bottle of tablets and to come back if the problem persists. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that, and she replied, Oh, its probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 oclock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Ireland. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel chipping away at one of the headstones. This is a massive issue when living abroad. He went with you to the beer factory." Paddy shook his head. The gentleman - it's the thought that counts Dublins Patrick OShea called his lawyer and asked, Is it true they are suin dem der cigarette companies for causin people to get cancer? When the St. Patrick's Day jokes fall out of season, keep the laughs going with these clever knock-knock jokes. The next morning at exactly 10 oclock, the elderly woman arrived at the presidents office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the presidents testicles were square. Oh yeah, I bet I know now why you want the biggest one, he winked. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.. He asks the first fella for his name and address. They dont, says the Irishman.